Emily Nguyen, Week #2: Dramaturgy Does Fall on Deaf Ears
Do you do things to be interesting, or do you do things to be interested?
Lately, this question I was asked some time ago has sustained its pestering role in disrupting my usual thought cadence. I would love to "do things" purely by being interested in doing them, but I know I am often pretentious and this ego issue pinpoints where my thoughts usually converge nowadays, aside from thinking about RAs.
People curate themselves to been seen. People desire recognition of their quirks and and interests and every little thing that they do. Well, some people would rather keep to themselves—but many of us are afraid to be seen as abnormal and atypical of society’s expectations of people fitting in and because of this we project parts of ourselves to be admirable, cool and likeable within social standards. I am no exception to this.
(NO, I’m not referring to “performative males” or anything of the sort!!)
Many people enjoy the comfort in labeling themselves in trying to define who they are and build a sense of identity with specific notions and titles. People dress a certain way, speak, walk, carry an air about themselves to portray themself as a somebody. This image may or may not reflect their truest self. And people may think real hard about their presentation of self, even at the expense of forgetting who the people around them are: whether their classmate likes reading—or was it drawing? Do you know anything about your peers? Or were you too worried about your simpering qualities that you might reveal in what you say to them, or your obsequious flattery in order to win their approval of the nice person you portray yourself to be?
I have recognized that my immediate attraction to this question of interests uncovers the workings of my great big ego. The fact that this question felt threatening to me conveys a deep wrongness in the way I’ve been carelessly living to be viewed by others. So, I’ve been pondering this annoying realization that I’ve built a facade within myself. I can’t get it out of my head that I don’t do the things I thought I loved for the sole reason of being myself.
Though, there are some things I can separate as genuine authenticity to myself: my unyielding affinity for horror movies, my love for smoked salmon, and the annoying deafness in my ears when I keep asking people to repeat themselves because I literally cannot hear anything. I mention these specific things because they are not superficially curated traits, and most definitely not quirks I actively think to uphold. A list of all the things I do know to be true of my rawest self is in the works.
I’m slowly figuring out what kind of person I truly am, rather than what I portray myself as. In doing this, I put less effort into my self-performance and open my ears to really hearing those around me.
And, I hope you’ll think of “doing things I’m interested in” versus “doing things to be interesting” as you decide how you’ll capture your next photogenic Instagram post, or pick the books you-don’t-actually-read that you’ll stow in your bag, or arrange your next set of deceptions in that game of icebreakers and introductions.
Emily, dude—dare I say waterbottles…—I love your voice throughout the text. Although this may stem from the fact we were tablemates last month, I genuinely feel like I heard, not just read, your jokes. Like I felt your voice through the words. On a side note, I think the topic you chose was creative and catalyzed an extremely interesting read. I also really love the start of your submission because in full honesty, I read the first line and quite literally paused, and thought to myself for two minutes, before continuing the read. Also—and this is kind of ironic because I just commented on your start—but I really enjoyed reading your ending; it made me think about how many “lies” I have heard during icebreakers from my past.
ReplyDeleteI’m going to be completely honest with you—the first paragraph’s varied vocabulary sent my head swimming. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m tired, or because my brain cannot comprehend so many words at once. Your style of writing is at once easily recognizable; aside from the fact that you are a vocabulary expert, I love how you effortlessly combine formality with a casual tone to produce something thought-provoking yet relatable. “Do you do things to be interesting, or do you do things to be interested?” This question really caught me off guard and got me thinking about all the activities I do. This text will be ruminating (ha!) in my head for a while.
ReplyDeleteEmily, this was the first time I have ever heard the question "Do you do things to be interesting, or do you do things to be interested?" and I thought it was really interesting. I really resonate with doing things for a facade I built to be liked. Your post has me doing my own reflection of myself to try to find who I truly am without my facade.
ReplyDeleteThis question is one that has alway seemed like a really real question. Your views on this topic are something I can really resonate with! This is a question I have asked myself a lot, and the struggle to figure out how much of your actions are performative and how much is authentic is a difficult journey. I hope you are able to find yourself!
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